Pee on demand and other stories...

One fine day, we, the employees of a (recently) profit-making MNC, were informed that the organisation as a part of 'Yes-we-know-you-don't-have-a-life-but-we-care-for-whatever-is-left' initiative would be conducting free Health Check-ups for everyone. There was a tie-up with some fancy corporate hospital where we were supposed to register ourselves for getting poked and probed in all the wrong places...

Now my dad having earned a medical degree ages ago happens to be our family doctor (hardly any choice there) and as it is the case with ghar ki murgi being all daal equivalent, I never actually came to respect this profession with the seriousness it deserves, mostly 'coz my dad always underplayed the seriousness of any medical calamity. Picture this: One fine afternoon you get a call  that your 4 yr old kid has stuffed her nose with chalk and is suffocating. The teacher is worried sick to death and although the school is literally 2 minutes away from home, she (the teacher) is in tears wondering 'der na ho jaaye, kahin der na ho jaaye'. So like any other caring father, my dad asks the teacher to try holding me upside down and let gravity act its way till he reaches the school after attending some 'serious' patients of his. As far as minor things like breathing are considered, well, breathing through mouth is not THAT harmful!! 

Well I reckon that with an attitude like that any complaints of fever/cough/cold/cramps were met with cold stares of  'So? You know where the Crocin is!' as if its hardly respectable to complain about these things. Its only when I suffered from jaundice in 11th std that my dad actually decided to wipe off the dust from his home stethoscope (He has 2 sets - one for his clinic for his 'serious' patients and the other 'hardly-ever-used-still-brand-new-after-25-years' for his dearest family) and actually practised some daactarii. Err...hippocratic ain't it? (all puns intended) 

Anyhoo. After half a dozen reminder mails from the HR and 2 cancelled appointments, my pretty self lands up at this fancy schmancy hospital on an early Friday morning. Starving to death. Why you ask? That silly thing called 'Fasting Blood Sugar'. Its a simple test of one's blood sample for any glucose obviously hoping for its absence/ low amounts. (Correct me if I am wrong. On second thoughts, please don't. Pharmacy degree at stake.) So they strap your hand with bands so the swollen veins come out of hiding. The only problem in my case, the veins are buried under some serious subcutaneous fat! 

Prick! Ouch!! (Strike One). 

Prick! Ow ouch!! (Strike Two)

Prick!! A puddle of blood (Strike Three. Can I kill her???)

All this while the lab technician maintains serenity of a mother with innocence of a child. She even manages to mumble a "Sorry huh! I had to prick thrice. I hope it didn't hurt" Ofcorz not!! I had fun! Why don't we catch up once in a while and do this more often!! Hmmph!     

Next we move on to Room # 2

# Drink like a Fish.

Sadly its plain H20. This one is for the sonography where they like to watch your bloated bladders on a TV-like screen and pass comments at it to make you feel bad. (So much for my beautiful insides!!) So I am on Bottle# 3..already feeling that urge to visit the nearest restroom and a cheerful nurse comes across handing me another bottle! Not in a negotiating mood, I simply bade her with a smile indicating I cant drink any more liquid  without letting some go!! Simple Archimedes principle - displacement of volume!! But no!! She wouldn't budge, she made me drink 5 full bottles and only when I threatened to pee in my pants did she finally bestow her approval with a triumphant look and yelled 'Bladder Full' to the doctor conducting sonography. So much for being discreet :|

Next we move on to Room # 3

# Doctors are men. Men will flirt. Thus, doctors will flirt. Hence, proved.

One tries to indicate that one has office to attend. One indicates that one really needs no consultation. One does not have any medical history worth discussing. And yes, not to forget one's dad is a doctor. But no!! A determined doctor is a determined doctor. He will flirt in English then subtly move on to the common mother tongue and finally crack the lousiest of jokes to make an impression. An impression he did leave with abundant entertainment too ;)

Room # 4

#Gynecology Tests:

'Are you sexually active?' she asked, I laughed in reply. 'Is that a yes or no?' she asked again. 'Sorry, I was thinking of something else' :P Enuff said.

So finally after 4 hours I was done with all the tests. The doc from Room # 3 seemed slightly sad to see me go but the cheerful nurse (the one who yelled 'Bladder Full') was happy to finally let me use the washroom and leave. For once, it felt good to see that the fancy hospital did indeed live upto its name. It was good to see well-paid, happy doctors genuinely concerned about their patients. And lastly it was fun to finally experience being a patient for a day. Heck! I think I will do it more often!! :D