Of gyri and sulci...

So I read this article today and couldn't help but wonder if life does come easy for a blessed few? While the rest of us toil hard to face our share of hits and misses?
Picture this: A poster boy for shtudness aced through his school life cracking all the Maths & Physics Olympiads on his way. He could name all the moons of Jupiter and recite the period table in a single breathe. Ok, may be he sucked at Social Sciences but then he had real brains, which did not require cramming of useless data like the year of Battle of Plassey or the gory details of Third Battle of Panipat.

And of course he had dreams. Big Dreams. Astrophysicist or Nuclear Scientist. Stanford, MIT and Carnegie meant something to him even at that tender age of 17. He went on to crack the IIT Jee with a single digit AIR. Yes, the digit mattered. A LOT. Not to undermine his hard-work, he burnt midnight oil too..may be even went through short-lived phases of self-doubt and insecurities. But in the end that didn't matter coz he did make it Comp Science at IIT-B. Mom and dad couldn't be more happier and proud. He was the stuff that makes relatives hope their kids would turn into.

Fours years of IIT was a breeze or may be not. But as the guy here says - I generally only study one day before the exam; it is a habit with all IIT engineers. He studied for a day..may be even went through the ordeal of giving a whole of TWO mock-cats and viola! IIM A was pounding at his door.

No, I am not jealous. Ok, I am. Will this guy never get out of his Chronic Over-achiever Syndrome? Will reality never bite him? Where is struggle and that much talked about failure? Obviously he has managed to side-step this stepping stone to success and probably hopped, skipped and jumped on to the latter directly! Where is that depression after 12th? That phase of pain and helplessness to see mock-cat scores dipping and wondering if one will ever make it?

I do realize that such blessed men and women are quite a rarity. But where is the law of averages? Offers from McKenzies of the world probably awaits His Highness on the Day Zero of placements while the meeker folks throw furlong glances singing 'sabse peeche hum khade' to the companies on campus.

This world is such a cruel place. The geek shall and do rule the world. Replace the brains with beauty and the same if utilized efficiently can be an excellent cutting edge tool for success. One cant help wonder if the working definition of all men are equal is "Well, Not really".

Yes, I feel pathetic for myself at this point of time. The fact that I know quite a few guys like this does not help the cause. No fights between CTC and EMIs? These guys are so missing the fun! :| Sarcasm doesn't quite help alleviate this. But what the hell!

Sigh. I guess I am done hating people and the world in general, for the day.
If only one had enough gyri and sulci - the gray matter that matters!

Sukh bhare din beete re bhaiya...

The much dreaded 'Existential Crisis' has finally made its appearance. It reflects itself in a lot of ways and always ends up messing with my mind; resulting in a chaotic haze that simply refuses to leave. I report to work each morning with nothing but a big 'Huh?' registered in my mind and leave wondering, 'What just happened back there???' The situation at home is not very different either. The state of indecisiveness is depressing to say the least coz I was never the one to sit on the fence, but right now decision-making is scaring the shit out of me.

Yes, I know this sounds gibberish...so let me explain.

• The 'Corporate Slave' crisis: Since childhood, middle class upbringing pretty much nails the idea that education is the only means of achieving 'success' in the real world. The problem is nobody ever spells out the definition of 'success' back then. Worse even is that one is never encouraged to explore his/her meaning of success. So of course, one struggles through the oft-trodden path of 10th-12th-Graduation-MBA only to finally land up in 'a nice job in an MNC'.  And do you know what's the funny part in this whole scenario? Only after going through the ENTIRE ordeal does one realize that 'a nice job in an MNC' was not what I wanted and I would have been perfectly happy with a small piece of land and a tiny cottage in some village with a well and swing in the courtyard with a few cattle  and a dog and my own vegetable garden and some hot coffee brewing on the stove and good book awaiting to be read!!

• The 'Conformist' crisis: A girl of 24 yrs needs be gotten rid off. Of course they put it in milder terms. There is also a subset called 'You-are-a-girl-behave-like-one!' crisis which one finds stupid beyond doubt and won't bother explaining. 

• The 'WTF!' crisis: An episode in the recent past has left me shaken to the core. Having immense confidence in my parents and this strong sense of self belief that one has groomed the parents well (:P) I expressed the desire of getting a tattoo done. Not because its cool (Ok, may be a little) but more-so coz I wanted to experiment and experience something new. The reply seemed like a rude wake-up call for someone who thought her family was quite a progressive one! "Why don't you wait for a few years till you are married and then get one if your husband is fine with it?" :O  No words. No argument but a genuine 'WTF!' can beat this one.

If you think post is one big crib against the 'berehem zaalim duniya', well it's not. If you think this post is about parent-bashing, it's not. If you think this is about lending a voice to the feminist in me, wrong again. Its just my thoughts and a few questions I am grappling to find answers to. Trust me dude...these may be one of the most happening years of my life but they are also the most confusing ones!! Give me back those Board exams and late night cramming!! The' 'Chef vs Doctor' arguments with mom! Or even the "Only 90% PCB? God! I am dooooomed" times and I would gladly swap them with these.

Life as I knew is not the same anymore and something tells me its not getting any simpler. Sigh! 

Remind me NEVER to do this again!

You think this is the one. THE relationship of your life. After all 4 years is a huge amount of time to get to know someone. How conveniently one forgets that 4 years is a good amount of time for someone to change, as well. He promised me things would be just the same when I come back. He promised nothing would have changed. Yes, most of it is just the same, but he isn't the same anymore. 

Change is not always good, you know. It hurts. A lot. Sleepless nights, crying on your pillow, puffed eyes the next morning, that persistent headache and not to mention the gloom that killeth. Friends tell you to give up and move on...you nod to them while vigorously saying no in your mind. You try playing the eternal optimist telling yourself that this is just a phase and things will be back to normal very soon. but that never happens. You fear calling him but still hoping that he misses you just as much as you miss him each day. You wonder how long should you wait till you make that call? A week? Two weeks? You want to desperately call him and talk nothing but the stupidest of things like you used to. Crib about your job. Complain about your mother. Tell him how much you missed his stupidest jokes...and "oh-shit-I-totally-forgot I got nominated for the 'Best Salesperson of the Quarter' Award but didn't win. they gave it to some bimbette from Delhi office" You want to share the latest gossip on common friends..and gloat on how you did some completely unnecessary shopping last weekend. And you want to ramble on and on...and hear him smile on the other end of the phone. And then stop. Coz now it's supposed to be his turn to ramble and yours to smile across the phone.

Just that there is no phone call. coz he doesn't want to listen. He tells you after 4 years that he is tired of the talks. And he thinks that this isn't gonna work out and it's best to discontinue this. Discontinue?? Like a library membership? This is supposed to be a relationship you know..it is tough and you have to make it work. Nobody promised a cake-walk and you have to make a few compromises. But then how do you reply to a 'I don't see a future for us...' ? Leave alone replying, how does one face this statement?

Worse still...how does one pick up the pieces and face the world? How does one tell oneself that your favourite dream is shattered? You pretend you are okay. But you are not okay. You want to ask a million questions which can be quite simply put as 'It's not okay, you know. I thought we had a plan.And it wasn't that difficult a plan - I am with you, you are with me, right till eternity. Now, which part did you find so hard to get?'

Slowly the shock and temper subsides... and an enormous amount of guilt takes over. You blame yourself for everything. you run flashbacks of last 4 years..every phone call, every single date...and analyse what might have gone wrong. And you rest only after you have found a few million faults in you. Self-worth be damned!

And one find day just like today...you simply let him go. You cry your heart out. Blog about it for a remembrance sake and then you tell yourself that Enough is Enough!! All smses deleted and his number wiped out from the cellphone (not that it's gonna help) you wish your memory was just like your Nokia E71's. Suddenly a thought -  'Omg! This is soo 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind!! ' And you smile for the first time at your own silly joke :)  

You think of him in a different light now...I could never stay mad at him for too long. 'Bless you dear in your new journey. Wish you a world of happiness. Yes, it kills me to not be part of that world with you..but then :|' It still hurts...but ranting it out helps. Blogs are purgatives for emotions. Thank you for listening. I think I will be ok :) 

Dusting off the cobwebs...

Dear Blog,

Sorry I completely ignored you for a really, really long time and although so much was happening all around me that needed to be recorded/expressed/vented, I just kept it to myself in a corner of my mind and heart (a corner which I eventually hoped would vanish). But then unexpressed feelings have this funny thing about them, they keep expressing themselves in the weirdest of ways - tears, memories, dreams..

So finally here I am, doing what I should have never stopped doing.

Life has taken a very serious turn lately. Everything I do is SERIOUS. I look serious, I talk serious and worse, I AM serious almost all the time. 'Tom-foolery, where art thou? Those silly jokes? Those insane, utterly meaning-less conversations - why did you vanish? Are you mad at me and hiding in some silly corner?' 

Uff. This post is turning out even sadder than I thought to be. Ok! So time for updates!!

In these few months, there are/were many a firsts for me -
- My first Quarterly Review (and that's all we are talking about it)
- My first Health Check-up (not counting the one just after I said 'Hello! World')
- My first pair of best friends (those shinny lil' things that dangle on your ears, hide behind hair and costs your parents a bomb :D)
- The first wedding of my generation in my family.(!!!!!)

Damn, writing a post in parts is such a bad idea. You lose the flow and never end up saying what you actually started out with. I guess I will stop here. Contrary to popular opinion, I do have a heart, cant torture my single-digit  loyal fan following :|

One last thought - I think this post exactly reflects my current state of mind - sad, confused, lost for directions and without any zing whatsoever.

Of memories, engagements and good-for-nothing brothers...

It's amusing to watch long lost relatives gush over you with 'Oh, you are so grown up now!' not realizing that one does grow up in a decade's time. There is this aunt of mine whom I have met only thrice in life - once on my naming ceremony (mom tells me that she named me!!), then once at her daughter's wedding where I was dragged to, much against my wishes as my mother didn't want to cook for just one person and then finally at my brother's engagement last week.

This aunt almost had tears in her eyes to watch me prance around in a sari that day when the only two other memories of her about me must have been 

1. me in a pram waiting to be named with some rather good name (Don't ask..I should probably sue her for naming me this name)

2. me in some pink frilly frock (the fairy frock, it used to be called) looking hungrily at the buffet.

But then you realise that memories are not always for the experiences one witnessed. They are stories we heard or talk about which some how got stuck to our minds. I am quite unsure about how to react to these situations. Do you greet back with the same enthusiasm which you know is going to be quite a feat for you to achieve because honestly you never remembered that person in the last 10 years? or do you simply acknowledge their emotions smilingly, knowing that you are not quite the same person they remember you to be..but it's ok to let things be? Somehow the latter seems alright.

Talking of memories, it is sad to see some older relatives struggling with names and identities especially when hit with too much information. I remember meeting one of my grandma's brothers at a function 2 years back. My dad is one of his favourite nephews and the love got passed on to me by default. Memories of my childhood when we used to visit his place and stories of my grandma as a naughty kid, came flooding in.  But the confused look on his face was heart-wrenching. I could see him struggle with his mind trying to match names with faces. Even sadder was to see his eyes brimming with guilt when he said, 'I am sorry but I couldn't recognize you.' How do you deal with that? 'Anna, mi shamachi mulgi' (Grandpa, I am Sham's daughter). Thankfully, 'shama's' name rung a bell. 'Oh, you are that car winner!!' (Refer this) Yes! That's how my grandfather finally remembered me. It's funny and sad at the same time. Such is life!!

Talking of engagements, my silly self realized that wearing a sari at family functions can be quite hazardous to health. Even more hazardous when you are the only sister to a gang of guys with none having mastered the art of subtlety. There was sneering, sniggering, laughing behind backs and laughing out loud involved. There was also some fuming, cursing under the breathe, cursing out loud and warning that one would walk out and rather attend the birthday party on 2nd floor of the reception hall involved. But of course, brothers being brothers, one eventually learns to ignore them after 24 years of existence and so  my pretty self stayed on. Other more mature and older set of relatives were pleasantly surprised. And that's when things began to run downhill. Collective opinions about my marriageable age were met with collective nods just when I was grabbing a hot puri. By the time I was pouring chocolate sauce over vanilla ice-cream, my wedding menu was almost being finalised!! But then my mom-dad being completely aware of their first-born's mental age much calamities were averted.

So its decided!! I am wearing a pair of baggy jeans and some old T-shirt for bhai's shaadi. Even if it makes me look like one of those crooks who gatecrash weddings for fun and free food. How 3 idiot-ish, no? ;)

Look who's back!

I started this blog on a bored December evening around five years back. I wrote a lot then but didn't post it too often. Quite a few poems were trashed at the risk of sounding 'childish', 'silly' or 'cheesy'. I repent that now as I realize that being 'childish', 'silly' or 'cheesy' is all a part of me and no matter how hard I try that is never gonna change.

A lot happened in these past years and I gradually moved on from Vedyancha Baazaar to Katha Collage but it didn't quite feel the same. So here I am...back to where it all started. And God knows it feels good to be back :-)

***

In other news...last weekend it was brought to my notice that 'tattoo' is a bad, bad word. In the league of 'shee-ganda-thu thu' that I was taught while in kindergarten. Booze, drugs and tattoo - stairway to hell. No-no for girls from good families. What will Shaila maushi think? and who will marry a tattooed girl? Just imagine, if Babdu would have brought home a girl with tattoo!! Could we ever accept that? No sir, never..imagine the horror!!

Oh but there is a way out, you know. Lets find you a husband who will give you the 'permission' to get a tattoo done. Its a clear win-win situation then!!

Aaargh...kindly remind me why the hell did I sit through those 'Decision-making' classes in MBA?