Apan hyanna pahilat ka?

Does it ever happen to you? Like you are in a middle of a very busy day, hands are moving, mind is thinking but something feels terribly amiss?? It’s happening to me! Just right now, as I am writing this..something seems wrong, say like a fully-clad mallika sherawat...or worse like a politician with no criminal record! :-0

I mean, jus some time back, i finished watching a movie, went to the mess..cursed the food, had bournvita milk, lost a badminton game (17-15) and argued with a friend on Dhoni Vs Tendulkar (more like Ranchi vs Mumbai) and then just as I enter my room, I suddenly feel all gloomy. I check my mica inbox and even the prospect of no new assignment mails doesn’t cheer me!!

It’s been a long time that I actually cursed someone in Marathi. English? Yeah, just 15 mins back. But Marathi? Positively no.

Kai maha-nalayak ahes!
Kiti neech ahes!!
Tujhyamule majhi S.P. (Samajik Pratishtha...duh!!) down hotey!!
Kai maaz aahe!
Laeee bhaari!
Mandal aabhari aahe
Le....
Laee beshtt!
Tujhya nanachi tang!
Tu itka kasa re dha??

Aaargghh!! I am dying to say these to someone out loud!! Sadly my roomie would just remove her headphones and ask, 'You said something kya?' and I would politely say, 'No, no ..its nothing'
I want to speak in Marathi..I want to bitch in Marathi..coz somehow I have realised that one can show happiness in English, but sadness and anger are best vented out in your mother-tongue.
He scolds me a lot when I use foul language..I know, it so spoils his dream of me being a 'shalin, kulin, changlya gharatli sanskaari mulgi' but then doesn’t swearing help in the exact verbalisation of your feelings? I mean try saying 'laee bessht' when you are truly happy. Doesn’t it take you back to good ol’ Shivaji Park katta where you are laughing aloud with your gang and checking out few cool and mostly fat guys jogging around?? Sheer bliss!! So much like a steaming hot maggie, a cold coffee and 153rd time re-run of 'Hum aapke hain kaun' courtesy your friendly neighbourhood cablewala, on a cold Friday night :)

I guess it’s because our mother-tongue reminds us of all the good things which we leave behind like in my case, before coming to this god-forsaken Shela village in the middle of nowhere. She assures me I shall never fumble while expressing myself, I shall never stop mid-sentence to find a better word to describe. I may learn a new language, but I will always call out to my loved ones in my mother tongue. I may say, ‘wow!’ but my reflexes will always say, ‘Aai ga!’ She tells me to be grounded because I may learn English, French or German but my parents will only respond to the words ‘Aai-baba’. She gently reminds that I may branch out afar but these roots shall always hold me tight and bring me back to that one place which meant almost nothing to me when I had it and so much now that I am away.. HOME.

Hmm..thoda senti ho gaya...I guess this is enough for the day..Exams from next week..please pray for me. I know you lazy bums wont :P
Anyways take care..Do comment on this post which I wrote itni mehnat se instead of studying. Nahitar phatke maarin ek-ekanna. Aai Shappath! ;-)

P.S: On overwhelming popular demand (ok! just one) I have changed the title of this post from 'Arbitgiri..maxed out!' to 'Apan hyanna pahilat ka?' dont ask me why such a title coz I have just been diagnosed with the dead-brain syndrome and would take the entire lifetime to recover :D

Something very close to my heart :)

I can never put down what EXACTLY I feel when I listen to this ghazal by Mehndi Hasan.
Its ethereal..so sublime that you cant believe that someone has actually penned down these lyrics. How could someone understand the pain, the agony, the silent desperation of a lover so well? Not sure if guys are capable of these emotions (This is not meant as a sarcasm, just my limitation to understand the opposite gender. Lemme know guys if you can relate to this piece of wonder) but the poet has definitely understood a woman's heart well..

Sharing the lyrics below..do listen to the ghazal and tell me you love it too :)

Ranjish hi sahi dil hi dukhane ke liye aa
Aa fir se mujhe chhod ke jaane ke liye aa
Ranjish hi sahi…………

Pehle se marasim naa sahi fir bhi kabhi to
Rasmo rahe duniya hi nibhane ke liye aa
Ranjish hi sahi…………

Kis kis ko batayenge judai ka sabab hum
Tu mujhse khafa hai to zamane ke liye aa
Ranjish hi sahi…………

Kuch to mere pindar-e-mohabbat ka bharam rakh
Tu bhi to kabhi mujhko manane ke liye aa
Ranjish hi sahi…………

Ik umr se hoon lazate giriya se bhi mehroom
Aye raahate jaan mujhko rulane ke liye aa
Ranjish hi sahi…………

P.S : If you love someone whole-heartedly ( yes! half-hearted love exists!) then don't ever hurt him/her so much that this ghazal makes them feel like their own story :)

That thing called LOU!! :P

A few random thoughts about that thing called 'love' :) and yes, to reiterate the fact that I am an MBA student, let me just say that bullet points have become a way of life :D

• I once read an article which said that love never exists between equals. One is always the lover and the other, the loved one. Not that the loved one doesn't love back, but it’s just a different kind of love. Phew! 6 different versions of the word 'love' in the last 3 lines. If only love was so easily available :|

• Romantic comedy has always been my favourite genre of movies. Yes, I have been a big-time sucker for all that on-screen 'skip-a-heart-beat', totally 'awwww!’ mushy dialogues! Haii!! If only the guys these days took classes for screenplay ;)

• When people change, how can you expect love to be the same? I hope to find answer to this one before it’s too late!! :D

• Why is love so habit-forming? Even addictive?? And while you answer that, please leave the address of its local rehab centre :P

Down the memory lane, anyone??

When life is all vella, one tends to walk down the memory lane. Make that two, actually. It was sheer co-incidental that me and Viraj were both missing those 'good ol' days' and happened to buzz each other on gtalk and started cribbing about it. Reminiscing about the past led me to write this following piece on an evening we spent together almost 2 years back. Nachiket, Viraj, Kaustubh, Rutuja, Aditi and Prachi. At this point each one us is at a different place with no hopes of reliving those happy memories again in the near future! :( I didn't want that evening to be lost in the realms of past.So here's an attempt to recollect those moments :) Cheers to those days guys! :)

"December 2006.

I still remember that day pretty clearly. One of the Dombi guys had called to invite me for some Dombivli Fair which comes up once a year. I laughed it off at first..it was an apt addition to my constant joke on this place Dombivli having just one post-office, one school, one theatre and now this one annual fair. “Arey kitna fundoo hota hai!” is what i remember being told. I still remember wearing that Pink (yeah pink!) Fab-India kurti on my regular jeans. Had met KK at thane station and we happily travelled dangling from the footboard from thane to dombivli. Met up with Viraj, Nachi, Aditi and Prachi and finally reached the fair after a rickshaw ride from station.

Well, the Grand Dombi Fair was just like any other fair...So much for “Arey kitna fundoo hota hai!”:D But I remember having a lot of fun at the rides especially the Giant Wheel. You sit in the car and lock the safety rod and then they slowly take you up till the highest point and stop. Suddenly the morons in your car start behaving like hyper oxygenated monkeys jumping up and down and sideways and you start to feel giddy and just when you want to get down, the Giant wheel obediently starts but this time the acceleration gives you that ‘potaat khada padla’ feeling! You cringe and the Dombi guys laugh their guts out..little do you realise that the ordeal isn’t over yet and since you can’t escape, its better you join in, in the fun and start making fun of the next victim in line :P

Soon it was time to leave for home. Well Dombivli being this tiny village on the outskirts of Mumbai, one has to leave early if one has to reach home well before the deadline (I am so dead now!) :D Just then someone in the gang was hit with this brilliant idea of having a night out at KK’s home. Aditi was game and with one girl in tow, I somehow convinced my mom to let me stay over too :) Prachi however had to leave but not before we had a nice dinner of Pavbhaji (at that one single restaurant in Dombivli, mind you!) and clicking away pictures till the cam batteries died. I still don’t get it why we click the same exact pictures of ourselves with those same exact smiles but nevertheless we continued with this grand ritual till the owner was glad to see us leave.

It was pretty late now. Almost 10.30 when we reached KK’s home. KK’s mom was about to leave for their Ghatkopar home. I have no clue how he convinced his mom to let 3 guys and 2 girls stay under one roof all night. But I must say his mom is one helluva cool lady! I mean no dirty looks and no questions asked!! Again a brilliant idea and we packed a mattress, a few cushions and water bottles and made our way to the terrace. It was a cold winter night. But not a harsh winter ..just a mild coolness in the air. That is when it began, under the starlit skies, with cool breeze blowing, the mentally retarded game of Dumb-Charades!! ‘Shaitan ka Honeymoon’ followed by ‘Shawshank Redemption’. You get the idea? We cheated, we teased, we fought but the truth is we had the time of our lives that night. We made so much ruckus that KK was sure his neighbours would ring the police and you know what? We would have been game for even that adventure..we were so high on life! Mood Indigo was to begin the next day, plans were etched and promises were made to keep this fun going. I even remember Nachi teaching me Salsa steps he had learnt a year before at MoodI workshop. That night was full of fun and friendship. Finally we decided to go off to sleep. The next morning, it felt slightly bad to put an end to this joyride, but we had to leave. It was time for goodbyes to Nachi and Viraj as me, KK and Aditi made our way to station. Caught an early morning local train and when I got down from the train at Thane, I managed to catch a glimpse of KK standing at the footboard of gents compartment. His smile said it all..the good time that we had shared and more so of those which would follow in this friendship of ours :) "

Comments on Life etc..

Okay! After overcoming my "Why me? " syndrome, I just realised that I am really not all that weird as I made myself out to be in the earlier post :D Just for the record, I have been in a slightly better mood ever since I wrote that post. May be that is got something to do with the proverbial ' getting the load off my shoulder'. Yeah, so soon after this off-loading bit happened, I receive not a single comment, to my utter dismay :( ( My fans!! Where art thou? You not being paid enough ;)) but not one but two mails :) which more than made up for the loss!! ( You random reader, post a comment!)

I am posting them below, just as they are..and yes, thanks to both Viraj (in voilet) and Abhijit (in green) for making the effort :)

"Nice choice of words, for starters... Very well written post

I guess ur point is "One needs to change his approach if others do not respond to ur behaviour".. Seems the right way to go.. Though I guess the trick is in only changing that little bit, so that its not entirely unlike you.. for otherwise it would be very difficult for you too.. the end is important, but beyond a limit, so are the means to achieve it..

About the change(s) in you, I guess I had warned you about that the last time we met before u left for MICA.. Yet, dont worry too much, most of the decisions / changes in behaviour which are based on ur frame of mind at tht time would not last in the long run. Only those would prevail where you are convinced a change would help ur cause... The best part is this process goes unnoticed mostly, until sm1 like u posts up a past like this one.. :-)

Bottomline: Dont think too much - keep faith in yourself that you would do the right things on most occasions... and Just enjoy!!"

Cheers,
Viraj.

"Hi,

I read new post on your blog. I was not sure if it was ok with you for me to comment on it. So I thought to write you.
This is just something which immediately came to my mind after reading this..
If you have changed as you have said..."It will be nice to meet changed Rutuja Shinde..."

About the second change you said...about maturity....

Somehow I am feeling the same... sometimes it becomes hard to believe that I am just 22 (soon will be 23) ...
I don't know why and from where this feeling of "maturity" is coming... feels like 25-26....
I have lost child and youth both in me...

Anyways...my intention was not to make you listen all this crap...but just to share the feeling that I am going through kind of same situation...

You must be doing well with your studies..
Take care...

Bye, "

Abhijit

These 2 mails definitely made me feel better. Kinda reinstated my belief in that almost biblical saying, "Dont fret! There's always someone in a deeper shit than you" :)

Have a nice day folks!

Life etc..

I admire bloggers. I think it takes a certain amount of courage to open up your life and heart infront of perfect strangers and more so, your friends. I always thought of myself as a very open and frank person. Frank to the point of being brash. I took pride in always being honest with one and all, even if it meant hurting them a little. I don't know why but I had this immense confidence in all my relations, especially my friends, that they would never ever stay mad at me for too long. I thought I was being a true friend by blurting out all the biting, harsh realities. 'Sure, I may be the bad guy now..but they would soon the light in my argument.' Well, the big news is I was wrong. May be I hurt them a bit too much. Damage beyond repair. I still haven't given up hopes on them. But I know its never going to be the same again. So much for me and my confidence. :|

I always knew people change with time. Just never imagined that 'those people' would ever include yours truly too. Atleast not so soon. Its been only a few months here at MICA and I already find myself unrecognisable some times. The way I react to situations sometimes, I leave myself appalled. Not that this change is bad, but it feels all too 'grown-up'. Wasn't I the one who used to happily say, "Option la taklay! " when someone remarked, "Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional." Why am I behaving all so matured these days? Yeah, it is the need of the hour, but it seems all too forced. All too wrong. I smile more but laugh less. I am nice but no longer naughty. I may get edgy at times, but never wild. I miss that kid in me. I miss me. :|

Mathew Mania!!

Shit man!!! Where was I all this time?? Mathew's classes have shaken the last of the ounces of 'been-there-done-that' and mercilessly shredded it to pieces.
Notions are proved wrong, opinions are mauled and views are doubted.
At the same time however, new ideas are planted..albeit on the grounds of uncertainty.
Take nothing at face value. Probe it, question it...look out for the 'other' side.
Hell!! even the concept of 'other' side is outrageously political for this guy!!
He appalls us..leaves us astounded, demeans us in his refined style of sarcasm while we stupidly yearn for more.He gives a whole new meaning to this most 'taken-for-granted' word called 'LIFE'.

Last page scribblings..

her teddy in the night
her patience in a fight
in ignorance, her insight
in darkness, her light
in weakness, her might
in wrong, her right

The lady on the stairs..

She stood there shaking. Tried hard not to..but couldn't help it. A pale coloured sari which may have been of a brighter shade once upon a time... it was as crumpled as her skin. Her blouse was torn at the shoulder..but alas it made no fashion statement. Her straight, white hair contrasted against her tanned, wrinkled face. Long ear-lobes with widened holes...a mocking reminder of heavy gold earrings she once owned. Green coloured plastic bangles adorned her wizened hands..no sound they made when they clinked against each other. She needed a stick for support..but that would cost her a month's meals...holding onto side-bars was cheaper. And chappals? She last owned a pair 4 years ago.
Amidst the crowds, she stood alone. In a land where madness drives peoples' lives, she strove for her sanity. Where rushing is second nature, she fought to stand still. Stairs of Platform 1, Western railways, Dadar station. Thats her permanent local address, until she's shooed by the railway police to some other desolate spot. Young collegians, middle aged office-goers hurried past her, but she knows it will take a kind-hearted lady or a god-fearing senior citizen to be her next meal-provider. till then she waits...killing herself and her dignity.
I wouldn't have spared a second thought for her. I couldn't. I shouldn't. How come I did?? Coz she looked a lot like my own grandma. But shamefully, thats all I did.

But he ain't that bad!!

I wait for the day, when I tell my dad.
I met someone special, a really nice lad.

So furious he might get, it will drive him mad.
Argue will I, "but he ain't that bad!!"

"His family, his job, what does he do?"
The questions will pour without much ado.

"Is it for sure? Will he stay true?
Is he what it means happiness to u?"

"A brave heart, a cute smile and a warm hug,"
"He is all that n more," I say with a smug.

"And a lil' promise of a together tomorrow,
Of an eternal journey through joy and sorrow."

Dad's heart would melt and eyes would well.
"She grew up so fast, and how the hell!!"

His eyes say it all, I know he's glad.
A smile on his face, I know he's sad.

"If thats what you want, he better be a nice lad"
"Dont worry Pops, he'll be the son you never had!"