Remind me NEVER to do this again!

You think this is the one. THE relationship of your life. After all 4 years is a huge amount of time to get to know someone. How conveniently one forgets that 4 years is a good amount of time for someone to change, as well. He promised me things would be just the same when I come back. He promised nothing would have changed. Yes, most of it is just the same, but he isn't the same anymore. 

Change is not always good, you know. It hurts. A lot. Sleepless nights, crying on your pillow, puffed eyes the next morning, that persistent headache and not to mention the gloom that killeth. Friends tell you to give up and move on...you nod to them while vigorously saying no in your mind. You try playing the eternal optimist telling yourself that this is just a phase and things will be back to normal very soon. but that never happens. You fear calling him but still hoping that he misses you just as much as you miss him each day. You wonder how long should you wait till you make that call? A week? Two weeks? You want to desperately call him and talk nothing but the stupidest of things like you used to. Crib about your job. Complain about your mother. Tell him how much you missed his stupidest jokes...and "oh-shit-I-totally-forgot I got nominated for the 'Best Salesperson of the Quarter' Award but didn't win. they gave it to some bimbette from Delhi office" You want to share the latest gossip on common friends..and gloat on how you did some completely unnecessary shopping last weekend. And you want to ramble on and on...and hear him smile on the other end of the phone. And then stop. Coz now it's supposed to be his turn to ramble and yours to smile across the phone.

Just that there is no phone call. coz he doesn't want to listen. He tells you after 4 years that he is tired of the talks. And he thinks that this isn't gonna work out and it's best to discontinue this. Discontinue?? Like a library membership? This is supposed to be a relationship you know..it is tough and you have to make it work. Nobody promised a cake-walk and you have to make a few compromises. But then how do you reply to a 'I don't see a future for us...' ? Leave alone replying, how does one face this statement?

Worse still...how does one pick up the pieces and face the world? How does one tell oneself that your favourite dream is shattered? You pretend you are okay. But you are not okay. You want to ask a million questions which can be quite simply put as 'It's not okay, you know. I thought we had a plan.And it wasn't that difficult a plan - I am with you, you are with me, right till eternity. Now, which part did you find so hard to get?'

Slowly the shock and temper subsides... and an enormous amount of guilt takes over. You blame yourself for everything. you run flashbacks of last 4 years..every phone call, every single date...and analyse what might have gone wrong. And you rest only after you have found a few million faults in you. Self-worth be damned!

And one find day just like today...you simply let him go. You cry your heart out. Blog about it for a remembrance sake and then you tell yourself that Enough is Enough!! All smses deleted and his number wiped out from the cellphone (not that it's gonna help) you wish your memory was just like your Nokia E71's. Suddenly a thought -  'Omg! This is soo 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind!! ' And you smile for the first time at your own silly joke :)  

You think of him in a different light now...I could never stay mad at him for too long. 'Bless you dear in your new journey. Wish you a world of happiness. Yes, it kills me to not be part of that world with you..but then :|' It still hurts...but ranting it out helps. Blogs are purgatives for emotions. Thank you for listening. I think I will be ok :) 

Pee on demand and other stories...

One fine day, we, the employees of a (recently) profit-making MNC, were informed that the organisation as a part of 'Yes-we-know-you-don't-have-a-life-but-we-care-for-whatever-is-left' initiative would be conducting free Health Check-ups for everyone. There was a tie-up with some fancy corporate hospital where we were supposed to register ourselves for getting poked and probed in all the wrong places...

Now my dad having earned a medical degree ages ago happens to be our family doctor (hardly any choice there) and as it is the case with ghar ki murgi being all daal equivalent, I never actually came to respect this profession with the seriousness it deserves, mostly 'coz my dad always underplayed the seriousness of any medical calamity. Picture this: One fine afternoon you get a call  that your 4 yr old kid has stuffed her nose with chalk and is suffocating. The teacher is worried sick to death and although the school is literally 2 minutes away from home, she (the teacher) is in tears wondering 'der na ho jaaye, kahin der na ho jaaye'. So like any other caring father, my dad asks the teacher to try holding me upside down and let gravity act its way till he reaches the school after attending some 'serious' patients of his. As far as minor things like breathing are considered, well, breathing through mouth is not THAT harmful!! 

Well I reckon that with an attitude like that any complaints of fever/cough/cold/cramps were met with cold stares of  'So? You know where the Crocin is!' as if its hardly respectable to complain about these things. Its only when I suffered from jaundice in 11th std that my dad actually decided to wipe off the dust from his home stethoscope (He has 2 sets - one for his clinic for his 'serious' patients and the other 'hardly-ever-used-still-brand-new-after-25-years' for his dearest family) and actually practised some daactarii. Err...hippocratic ain't it? (all puns intended) 

Anyhoo. After half a dozen reminder mails from the HR and 2 cancelled appointments, my pretty self lands up at this fancy schmancy hospital on an early Friday morning. Starving to death. Why you ask? That silly thing called 'Fasting Blood Sugar'. Its a simple test of one's blood sample for any glucose obviously hoping for its absence/ low amounts. (Correct me if I am wrong. On second thoughts, please don't. Pharmacy degree at stake.) So they strap your hand with bands so the swollen veins come out of hiding. The only problem in my case, the veins are buried under some serious subcutaneous fat! 

Prick! Ouch!! (Strike One). 

Prick! Ow ouch!! (Strike Two)

Prick!! A puddle of blood (Strike Three. Can I kill her???)

All this while the lab technician maintains serenity of a mother with innocence of a child. She even manages to mumble a "Sorry huh! I had to prick thrice. I hope it didn't hurt" Ofcorz not!! I had fun! Why don't we catch up once in a while and do this more often!! Hmmph!     

Next we move on to Room # 2

# Drink like a Fish.

Sadly its plain H20. This one is for the sonography where they like to watch your bloated bladders on a TV-like screen and pass comments at it to make you feel bad. (So much for my beautiful insides!!) So I am on Bottle# 3..already feeling that urge to visit the nearest restroom and a cheerful nurse comes across handing me another bottle! Not in a negotiating mood, I simply bade her with a smile indicating I cant drink any more liquid  without letting some go!! Simple Archimedes principle - displacement of volume!! But no!! She wouldn't budge, she made me drink 5 full bottles and only when I threatened to pee in my pants did she finally bestow her approval with a triumphant look and yelled 'Bladder Full' to the doctor conducting sonography. So much for being discreet :|

Next we move on to Room # 3

# Doctors are men. Men will flirt. Thus, doctors will flirt. Hence, proved.

One tries to indicate that one has office to attend. One indicates that one really needs no consultation. One does not have any medical history worth discussing. And yes, not to forget one's dad is a doctor. But no!! A determined doctor is a determined doctor. He will flirt in English then subtly move on to the common mother tongue and finally crack the lousiest of jokes to make an impression. An impression he did leave with abundant entertainment too ;)

Room # 4

#Gynecology Tests:

'Are you sexually active?' she asked, I laughed in reply. 'Is that a yes or no?' she asked again. 'Sorry, I was thinking of something else' :P Enuff said.

So finally after 4 hours I was done with all the tests. The doc from Room # 3 seemed slightly sad to see me go but the cheerful nurse (the one who yelled 'Bladder Full') was happy to finally let me use the washroom and leave. For once, it felt good to see that the fancy hospital did indeed live upto its name. It was good to see well-paid, happy doctors genuinely concerned about their patients. And lastly it was fun to finally experience being a patient for a day. Heck! I think I will do it more often!! :D 

Dusting off the cobwebs...

Dear Blog,

Sorry I completely ignored you for a really, really long time and although so much was happening all around me that needed to be recorded/expressed/vented, I just kept it to myself in a corner of my mind and heart (a corner which I eventually hoped would vanish). But then unexpressed feelings have this funny thing about them, they keep expressing themselves in the weirdest of ways - tears, memories, dreams..

So finally here I am, doing what I should have never stopped doing.

Life has taken a very serious turn lately. Everything I do is SERIOUS. I look serious, I talk serious and worse, I AM serious almost all the time. 'Tom-foolery, where art thou? Those silly jokes? Those insane, utterly meaning-less conversations - why did you vanish? Are you mad at me and hiding in some silly corner?' 

Uff. This post is turning out even sadder than I thought to be. Ok! So time for updates!!

In these few months, there are/were many a firsts for me -
- My first Quarterly Review (and that's all we are talking about it)
- My first Health Check-up (not counting the one just after I said 'Hello! World')
- My first pair of best friends (those shinny lil' things that dangle on your ears, hide behind hair and costs your parents a bomb :D)
- The first wedding of my generation in my family.(!!!!!)

Damn, writing a post in parts is such a bad idea. You lose the flow and never end up saying what you actually started out with. I guess I will stop here. Contrary to popular opinion, I do have a heart, cant torture my single-digit  loyal fan following :|

One last thought - I think this post exactly reflects my current state of mind - sad, confused, lost for directions and without any zing whatsoever.

Of memories, engagements and good-for-nothing brothers...

It's amusing to watch long lost relatives gush over you with 'Oh, you are so grown up now!' not realizing that one does grow up in a decade's time. There is this aunt of mine whom I have met only thrice in life - once on my naming ceremony (mom tells me that she named me!!), then once at her daughter's wedding where I was dragged to, much against my wishes as my mother didn't want to cook for just one person and then finally at my brother's engagement last week.

This aunt almost had tears in her eyes to watch me prance around in a sari that day when the only two other memories of her about me must have been 

1. me in a pram waiting to be named with some rather good name (Don't ask..I should probably sue her for naming me this name)

2. me in some pink frilly frock (the fairy frock, it used to be called) looking hungrily at the buffet.

But then you realise that memories are not always for the experiences one witnessed. They are stories we heard or talk about which some how got stuck to our minds. I am quite unsure about how to react to these situations. Do you greet back with the same enthusiasm which you know is going to be quite a feat for you to achieve because honestly you never remembered that person in the last 10 years? or do you simply acknowledge their emotions smilingly, knowing that you are not quite the same person they remember you to be..but it's ok to let things be? Somehow the latter seems alright.

Talking of memories, it is sad to see some older relatives struggling with names and identities especially when hit with too much information. I remember meeting one of my grandma's brothers at a function 2 years back. My dad is one of his favourite nephews and the love got passed on to me by default. Memories of my childhood when we used to visit his place and stories of my grandma as a naughty kid, came flooding in.  But the confused look on his face was heart-wrenching. I could see him struggle with his mind trying to match names with faces. Even sadder was to see his eyes brimming with guilt when he said, 'I am sorry but I couldn't recognize you.' How do you deal with that? 'Anna, mi shamachi mulgi' (Grandpa, I am Sham's daughter). Thankfully, 'shama's' name rung a bell. 'Oh, you are that car winner!!' (Refer this) Yes! That's how my grandfather finally remembered me. It's funny and sad at the same time. Such is life!!

Talking of engagements, my silly self realized that wearing a sari at family functions can be quite hazardous to health. Even more hazardous when you are the only sister to a gang of guys with none having mastered the art of subtlety. There was sneering, sniggering, laughing behind backs and laughing out loud involved. There was also some fuming, cursing under the breathe, cursing out loud and warning that one would walk out and rather attend the birthday party on 2nd floor of the reception hall involved. But of course, brothers being brothers, one eventually learns to ignore them after 24 years of existence and so  my pretty self stayed on. Other more mature and older set of relatives were pleasantly surprised. And that's when things began to run downhill. Collective opinions about my marriageable age were met with collective nods just when I was grabbing a hot puri. By the time I was pouring chocolate sauce over vanilla ice-cream, my wedding menu was almost being finalised!! But then my mom-dad being completely aware of their first-born's mental age much calamities were averted.

So its decided!! I am wearing a pair of baggy jeans and some old T-shirt for bhai's shaadi. Even if it makes me look like one of those crooks who gatecrash weddings for fun and free food. How 3 idiot-ish, no? ;)

Under the cyber sun...

This was an interesting bit of information. Or was it? Yes, internet did make “dialogue, debate and consensus through communication” possible, but at the same time internet made information symmetry possible which may always be a good thing? I mean..terrorists checking out the exact directions on Google maps before bombing is known to happen. And as for the whole 'dialogue, debate and consensus' part...well, this here is an excellent example of that going for a toss! 

But yes, there is no denying the power of Internet (Kindly insert - With great power comes...blah blah). Being the most adaptable of the digital migrants, my generation is blessed to be witnessing these miracles unfolding before our eyes. For the digital natives to come, these miracles would be as commonplace as a telephone or TV set is to us. 

One of the most intriguing aspect of Internet, for me, has been the phenomenon of blogging. To be able to read a stranger's thoughts, ideas, stories has now become possible. Exhibitionism, the need to be appreciated by others and a sense of ownership seem to drive this phenomenon. For some, blogging is an outlet for their emotions channelized into some form of art. For others, a self-improvement project. For yet another, a way to keep in touch with their dear ones - a chance to form a far deeper connect than mindless social networking, if I may add so. But most  importantly, we like this 'my very own space under the cyber sun' . The whole 'My name, my domain, my shit-posts!' thingie.  And not to forget its free!!

So here's something I have been toying with for a past few months, which I thought I would share with my exactly 3 followers (Yes, I thank thee, each day :D) and any bonus random visitors (delurk guys!) This is part of my dissertation and I thought I would share it on my blog since its about 'blogs'.  So here is my grand idea in a easy-to-digest form: 

YT: Yours Truly
RG: Random Guy

YT: Hey dude, you blog right?

RG: Yes

YT: And you read others' blogs too?

RG :*Yawn* (Nodding)

YT: So when do you read them?

RG: When boss is busy.

YT: Ok great! So do yuo have a sort of list of blogs that you read often?

RG: Yes...come to the point now!

YT: OK,ok..sorry..so why do you visit just a few of them regularly? 

RG: 'Coz they are all my friends who coerce me to read and comment and throw a major tantrum if I dont!

YT: yeah, but you must have eventually explored a lil' and gone on to read some strangers' blogs?

RG: Well, there was this blog with a cute girl's profile pic...

YT: Not for those reasons!! Something you genuinely liked and wanted more of it!!

RG: Definitely the cute girl!!!!

YT: Aargh..I meant the content dude, ever liked any posts so much that you blog-rolled/RSS feed the blog?

RG: Oh that way!! Yes, yes..quite a few - Sidin, Parul, SwB...why even our very own Bhale!

YT: Great! So tell me...why do you like these blogs so much? Is it only the content?

RG: Man you ask a lot of questions!!

YT: (weak smile)

RG: Ok, ok...well, it was only for the content initially, but then other things came into being after that..

YT: Like??

RG: That's for you to find out - Go figure!!

Well if you managed to reach here (virtual hugs!!) you will realise that I am trying to find out the reasons for people liking a particular blog, apart from the content ofcourse. I believe that blogs over a period of time, amass some potential for future earnings (as blogs can be monetized in various ways). Lets call this 'web equity' which can be similar to 'brand equity' but for a we entity wherein a customer is willing to pay a premium for a particular brand vis-a-vis the competing brands. So if tomorrow, blogs become Pay-per-view or if the bloggers decide to publish their content in other paid forms - say a book/movie, the same audience would generate revenue for the blogger. Which means that if we identify the reasons for people liking a blog ie if we identify the 'sources of web equity' for a particular genre of blogs and improve upon it...viola! we can actually improve the web equity of a blog!! 

Oh who am I kidding, its not as simple as it sounds! I know it doesn't even sound simple, but yes, my dissertation topic it is!

Well just to support my idea - quite a few bloggers have published their first novels, Parul being one of them (Oh! She is brilliant! You have to read her blog and she is MICAn too!). Sidin is gonna follow soon. Infact, Parul's novel seems like an extension of her blog - like a brand extension, if we can say that she has established her online brand. 

So here it is!! My lil' idea - to develop a framework to identify sources of web equity.  So let me know what you think of it - bouquets and brickbats both welcome :) Thanks!!

Look who's back!

I started this blog on a bored December evening around five years back. I wrote a lot then but didn't post it too often. Quite a few poems were trashed at the risk of sounding 'childish', 'silly' or 'cheesy'. I repent that now as I realize that being 'childish', 'silly' or 'cheesy' is all a part of me and no matter how hard I try that is never gonna change.

A lot happened in these past years and I gradually moved on from Vedyancha Baazaar to Katha Collage but it didn't quite feel the same. So here I am...back to where it all started. And God knows it feels good to be back :-)

***

In other news...last weekend it was brought to my notice that 'tattoo' is a bad, bad word. In the league of 'shee-ganda-thu thu' that I was taught while in kindergarten. Booze, drugs and tattoo - stairway to hell. No-no for girls from good families. What will Shaila maushi think? and who will marry a tattooed girl? Just imagine, if Babdu would have brought home a girl with tattoo!! Could we ever accept that? No sir, never..imagine the horror!!

Oh but there is a way out, you know. Lets find you a husband who will give you the 'permission' to get a tattoo done. Its a clear win-win situation then!!

Aaargh...kindly remind me why the hell did I sit through those 'Decision-making' classes in MBA?

It's a bittersweet symphony!

Leaving you has never been easy.
This time, its gonna be extra tough.
God only knows when will I be back.
But yes, back I shall be!

An empty room - a vacuum
My place in this crazy land - without me
My haven, my shade, my burrow, my cave
My world in this world, I shall forever save

Gonna miss you MICA! And shall miss you like hell, # 16, Chandni!